HELL is…not knowing

April 15, 2011 at 9:59 pm · Filed under Book, Relationship and tagged: affair, capabilities, loveless relationship

(Excerpt from my book “Go to HELL“)

This is how I know:  I was once in a loveless relationship that wasn’t working, and I knew it. I stayed out of fear thinking I could handle it. I was not thinking of how I was starving myself of affection and compassion.

Unknowingly, I put myself in a very vulnerable place, and before I knew it, I was having an affair. I didn’t see it coming, and I was not looking, so when it happened it caught me off guard.  She said she loved me and she knew what I needed, because I had unwillingly given her information on how to love me. And soon I was deeply head-over-hills in love with this woman.

At the time, I didn’t realize that you cannot build love and happiness off of others’ pain.  I even began to feel this sense of entitlement; I deserved to have this love, her love. I felt I needed her love more than the person she was with. If you would have asked me would I ever cheat on someone, I would have proudly and defiantly said no.

But today I know my capabilities, so I set boundaries for myself. So when things show up for you, ask yourself, “Is this something I can deal with? Will this fit on my plate, or should I pass it up?” That’s what a person does when they know, because not knowing can cost you a lot of heartaches and pain. That’s hell.

Capability is what you can and cannot handle. Most of us have been taught that in order to be considered a strong person we must deal with everything that comes our way.  Could I have marched with Martin Luther King Jr. in the peace march? Or am I better suited for Malcolm X? I think I’m better suited for Malcolm X. I have not yet learned so well to turn the other cheek, but I’m getting better.

I know that I have not grown enough in spirituality, so I avoid arguments.  I am okay with agreeing to disagree; that’s what works for me. This is from my experience, so it helps me not to keep putting myself in situations that are not for my highest good. Take time to know what you can and cannot handle, so you will be able to avoid some of the drama that comes your way.

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