Jez Sayin

Extraordinary Voice for Personal Growth

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HELL is…not knowing

(Excerpt from my book “Go to HELL“)

This is how I know:  I was once in a loveless relationship that wasn’t working, and I knew it. I stayed out of fear thinking I could handle it. I was not thinking of how I was starving myself of affection and compassion.

Unknowingly, I put myself in a very vulnerable place, and before I knew it, I was having an affair. I didn’t see it coming, and I was not looking, so when it happened it caught me off guard.  She said she loved me and she knew what I needed, because I had unwillingly given her information on how to love me. And soon I was deeply head-over-hills in love with this woman.

At the time, I didn’t realize that you cannot build love and happiness off of others’ pain.  I even began to feel this sense of entitlement; I deserved to have this love, her love. I felt I needed her love more than the person she was with. If you would have asked me would I ever cheat on someone, I would have proudly and defiantly said no.

But today I know my capabilities, so I set boundaries for myself. So when things show up for you, ask yourself, “Is this something I can deal with? Will this fit on my plate, or should I pass it up?” That’s what a person does when they know, because not knowing can cost you a lot of heartaches and pain. That’s hell.

Capability is what you can and cannot handle. Most of us have been taught that in order to be considered a strong person we must deal with everything that comes our way.  Could I have marched with Martin Luther King Jr. in the peace march? Or am I better suited for Malcolm X? I think I’m better suited for Malcolm X. I have not yet learned so well to turn the other cheek, but I’m getting better.

I know that I have not grown enough in spirituality, so I avoid arguments.  I am okay with agreeing to disagree; that’s what works for me. This is from my experience, so it helps me not to keep putting myself in situations that are not for my highest good. Take time to know what you can and cannot handle, so you will be able to avoid some of the drama that comes your way.

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Hell is being a Cross dresser..

Excerpt from Rev Freda’s book:  “Go to HELL

Know the truth, and the truth will make you free.”  What truth?  Who’s truth?  Your truth? My truth? Or THE truth?  We can only find true fulfillment when living THE truth.  And there is no greater reality then your own individual truth… and that is “the” truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth!  So many of us choose to keep our truth (the truth) locked away in the closet.  And you know what is so ironic?

The closet we find ourselves in is not even the closet that we have built for ourselves.  We’re living in someone else’s pain… someone else’s fear… someone else’s dream… someone else’s nightmare… someone else’s judgment…  someone else’s concept of what is true and what is real and what is right; whether it be the opinion of society, religion, or family.  As a result we become cross dressers.  We not only dress ourselves up and become what others think we should be, but we are actually willing to take on the identity of others and accept it as our truth.

Expectations; it’s those unattainable things we try to live up to (yet never quite do) and those things that we require from others (that they never quite live up to either).  And for what?  To fit in?  To fit into what?  A damn closet?  Puhleeze! Some of us have the nerve to think we’re better off because we’re living in a spacious walk-in closet.  Honey, all that means is that you can get more of your sh-t up in it!  More room for all of your baggage, even if it is disguised in matching designer luggage.  How dare us put the pressure of living up to our expectations onto anyone else?  How dare us put the pressure of living up to our expectations onto ourselves!

Here’s the thing about ALL closets:  They all have four walls, but at least one of those walls has a door.  We have the power to exit through that door (faith, hope, believing) at anytime we choose.  We can even tear that damn hell hole down!  Will it be easy?  Change never is.  When you are used to living in the dark, which is our ignorance and our fear, it will take some time for our eyes (our insight) to adjust to the Light (the truth).   “If the shoe fits…” does NOT mean that you have to wear it.  And why wear the pants when you’d much prefer being in a dress?  Is that tie too tight and choking the very life out of you? Are you wearing a girdle that’s holding in your freedom?  Then it’s time to come out of the closet, get butt-ass naked (get real), stand in front of the mirror (your conscience), look your fears in the eye and declare: “GO TO HELL!”