Originally by: Yahtta Jones
Are you guys aware that relationships comes in stages? I ‘ll walk you through them.
1. Initiating-this is where the relationship begins by one of you initiating contact.
2. Experimenting-this is when the two of you get better aquainted like small talk, finding out more of one another.
3. Intensifying- during this stage the two of you begin to express feelings to one each other.Verbally and non-verbally. May even say that you are couple.
4. Intergrating-during this time you are definitely a couple and society views you as such. You meet each others family and buy things together. You may even see some changes within yourself such as your attitude about life, become a better listener, or change your appearance.
4. Bonding-During this stage is marriage or promise’s are made to never part.
5. Differentiating- This stage now that you guys have committed to one another, one or both of you will feel the need to regain their independence. Which can include going out with friends, joining to a gym, or taking up some type of hobby. This stage is one of the hardest to except because one of us will feel threated by the situation.
6. Circumscribing- This is when the relationship really began to take a turn for the worst. You guys won’t communicate, avoid discussing problems and become overly critical of each other. You guys will become less interested to maintain the relationship.
7. Stagnating- This is when the relationship stops growing; it’s like the two of you go through the motions with less feelings and enthusiasm. Neither of you really love each other anymore, just staying involved because of fear of being alone, or the kids or pure convenience. The intimacy of the past is gone and self disclosure has stopped.
8. Avoiding- You guys spend little time together and almost all communication has ceased. It has become to difficult and very uncomfortable to be together. You may begin to make excuses on why you cant see one another.
9. Terminating-Relationship Ends!
I learned this years ago in my communications class and thought nothing of it. What stage are you in?
Thanks for reading…
10 Questions to ask Yourself
1. Are you giving yourself time to learn your new partner?
2. Do you feel good about YOURSELF when you are with this person?
3. Do you respect each other for WHO your are RIGHT NOW?
4. Do you SHARE similar VALUES?
5. Do you both have your OWN friends?
6. Do you have similar RELATIONSHIP goals?
7. Is the relationship able to withstand DISAGREEMENT?
8. Do you have similar views about friendships?
9. Do you and your partner respect each others DIFFERENCES?
10. Do you pay attention to the RED FLAGS?
1. Time is essential, If you are ‘in love’ in a very short period of time….you might be in love with LOVE.
2. If being with your partner leaves you with feeling of not wanting to be yourself…there is definitely a problem. Remember: It’s your feeling that counts.
3. If you find yourself saying, you would like your partner if only if they would change…you may need to rethink the relationship.
4. Never over look the importance of having similar values, you do not have to be a carbon copy of each other, but if your values are too different, this might not work.
5. Do not ever give up your friends to focus exclusively on your relationship. DO NOT ever enter into a relationship where giving up your friends is a requirement of there relationship.
6. If you know you are looking for one type of relationship and your potential partner is looking for another-do not put yourself through the misery of trying to change your partner’s mind.
7. No relationship is without some disagreement, the trick is to learn to engage in productive disagreements.
8. Be willing to give some insight into your partners views about value and importance of others….pay attention to what others are saying.
9. Define what YOUR RED FLAG IS….AND PAY ATTENTION!!!!!
Share your thoughts and questions by commenting below..would love to hear from you!
(Excerpt from my book “Go to HELL“)
This is how I know: I was once in a loveless relationship that wasn’t working, and I knew it. I stayed out of fear thinking I could handle it. I was not thinking of how I was starving myself of affection and compassion.
Unknowingly, I put myself in a very vulnerable place, and before I knew it, I was having an affair. I didn’t see it coming, and I was not looking, so when it happened it caught me off guard. She said she loved me and she knew what I needed, because I had unwillingly given her information on how to love me. And soon I was deeply head-over-hills in love with this woman.
At the time, I didn’t realize that you cannot build love and happiness off of others’ pain. I even began to feel this sense of entitlement; I deserved to have this love, her love. I felt I needed her love more than the person she was with. If you would have asked me would I ever cheat on someone, I would have proudly and defiantly said no.
But today I know my capabilities, so I set boundaries for myself. So when things show up for you, ask yourself, “Is this something I can deal with? Will this fit on my plate, or should I pass it up?” That’s what a person does when they know, because not knowing can cost you a lot of heartaches and pain. That’s hell.
Capability is what you can and cannot handle. Most of us have been taught that in order to be considered a strong person we must deal with everything that comes our way. Could I have marched with Martin Luther King Jr. in the peace march? Or am I better suited for Malcolm X? I think I’m better suited for Malcolm X. I have not yet learned so well to turn the other cheek, but I’m getting better.
I know that I have not grown enough in spirituality, so I avoid arguments. I am okay with agreeing to disagree; that’s what works for me. This is from my experience, so it helps me not to keep putting myself in situations that are not for my highest good. Take time to know what you can and cannot handle, so you will be able to avoid some of the drama that comes your way.
So, how do you create your purpose? Follow these easy steps:
- Ask Yourself “Who Am I?”What kind of person are you? What’s been true of you since you were younger? Write down all the attributes that you can think of that are truly you. List the things you naturally have learned and developed over the years. You probably take these things for granted, not recognizing them for the special, significant and unique gifts they actually are.
- Ask Yourself “What Do I Love To Do?”What do you absolutely; truly enjoy doing in your professional life? In your personal life? For each answer, consider the gifts that have helped make them possible. Your purpose will involve doing something that you love.
- Ask Yourself “What Experiences In Life Were Really Fulfilling For Me?”Look for the times in your life that were fulfilling for you. These were times when you were just being yourself. Consider, What was it like for me while I was going through it? What was I feeling? What was important, special or meaningful for me? These answers hold the key to what you should be doing with your life.
- Ask Yourself “What Is My Purpose In Life?”Once your purpose becomes clearer, create a purpose statement. A purpose statement contains an action, a focus, and an intended impact. Once you write it down, you have a road map to follow.
- Ask Yourself “What Am I Afraid Of?”Once you know what your purpose in life is, what will keep you from living it? Fear is the number one thing that stops people from being who they were meant to be. Do you want to be fulfilled? Then feel the fear, and do it anyway.
- Ask Yourself “Who Can I Tell?”Speaking your purpose will bring it into reality; and once you tell people, it becomes real. Plus, you’ll have the support of those around you who want to encourage you to be who you really are.
- Ask Yourself “How Do I Put My Purpose In Place?”Your life is moving forward whether you are working towards your purpose or not. So, wouldn’t it be better to take one action each day that will get you closer to who you were meant to be? It could be as simple as making a phone call, sending an email, or doing some research on the Internet. Your purpose will be realized one step at a time until one day you find that you are living it.
Share your purpose and comments below…I’d love to learn more…
Excerpt from Rev Freda’s book: “Go to HELL“
“Know the truth, and the truth will make you free.” What truth? Who’s truth? Your truth? My truth? Or THE truth? We can only find true fulfillment when living THE truth. And there is no greater reality then your own individual truth… and that is “the” truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth! So many of us choose to keep our truth (the truth) locked away in the closet. And you know what is so ironic?
The closet we find ourselves in is not even the closet that we have built for ourselves. We’re living in someone else’s pain… someone else’s fear… someone else’s dream… someone else’s nightmare… someone else’s judgment… someone else’s concept of what is true and what is real and what is right; whether it be the opinion of society, religion, or family. As a result we become cross dressers. We not only dress ourselves up and become what others think we should be, but we are actually willing to take on the identity of others and accept it as our truth.
Expectations; it’s those unattainable things we try to live up to (yet never quite do) and those things that we require from others (that they never quite live up to either). And for what? To fit in? To fit into what? A damn closet? Puhleeze! Some of us have the nerve to think we’re better off because we’re living in a spacious walk-in closet. Honey, all that means is that you can get more of your sh-t up in it! More room for all of your baggage, even if it is disguised in matching designer luggage. How dare us put the pressure of living up to our expectations onto anyone else? How dare us put the pressure of living up to our expectations onto ourselves!
Here’s the thing about ALL closets: They all have four walls, but at least one of those walls has a door. We have the power to exit through that door (faith, hope, believing) at anytime we choose. We can even tear that damn hell hole down! Will it be easy? Change never is. When you are used to living in the dark, which is our ignorance and our fear, it will take some time for our eyes (our insight) to adjust to the Light (the truth). “If the shoe fits…” does NOT mean that you have to wear it. And why wear the pants when you’d much prefer being in a dress? Is that tie too tight and choking the very life out of you? Are you wearing a girdle that’s holding in your freedom? Then it’s time to come out of the closet, get butt-ass naked (get real), stand in front of the mirror (your conscience), look your fears in the eye and declare: “GO TO HELL!”